My life beneath my tears

If you wake up one fine day without the merest idea who you are in the bed of a stranger who doesn’t seems to  know you what will you do .


We wish for certain things at times without understanding the consequences those things will lead us to. When a mere wish of mine came true i went through the greatest difficulties of my lifetime.

I was walking on the alley after my school I bumped on a cute guy. He mumbled a sorry and walked away without noticing me. But I stood there gaping at him .He got into his Ferrari and sped away. I was sad he went of without a backward glance at me. I looked on to the sky it was cloudy. I wished god please i want to be with him hereafter. At night I slept just thinking about him.

Next day when I got up that guy was staring at me like I was some sort of alien .I turned around the surroundings looked totally new to me. He looked bewildered he asked “who are you?”

It was then I understood I didn’t know it myself .Tears engulfed my eyes however hard I tried, my mind was blank .I can’t remember anything .I started weeping.

My strength failed me. he asked tensed”who are you, cant you hear I asked who you are?”. I answered in between my sobs “I don’t know”. He sat down exasperated and gave out a small laugh “don’t play with me I am a busy man, tell me who you are before I call the cops.”I cried harder I replied “call them they might find out who I am”. He didn’t seem to be pleased with my reply. “How did you get inside my house?”He asked. I felt like hell “I don’t know “I replied. He was really frustrated this time “is I don’t know the only sentence you know in English”. I replied “why can’t you understand I can’t remember anything.” He looked at me confused.

He moved away “but his eyes fixed on me why should I trust you? Are you a burglar?” I replied “I don’t know”. Tears gushed out of my eyes drenching the blanket I caught. “Are you a prostitute?”He asked. This time I cried violently “no…’I shrieked “I can’t be .I can’t be, I will not be… “I told myself. He gave me a sympathized look and said “I will give you some time to think, it’s just because of my humanity I will allow you stay within two hours you will tell who you are or else I will hand you over to cops.”

He slammed the door hard and left leaving me transfixed. I sat there hours trying to remember just who I am. I didn’t have the merest idea. I hated myself, thrashing my head hard for being so useless. I moved to mirror in the hope at least by seeing my reflection I can recognize who I am. But I found someone new staring back .My reflection looked like someone I never knew. The girl in the mirror was pale fair with large brilliant eyes her eyes we swollen due to crying. She looked fragile.

I cant believe this was me. It was hell not being able to recognize myself. I stood there cursing my fate swearing under my breath. I tried and tried to remember or to relate almost everything I saw but in vain. Tears poured down my cheeks silently. I wept staring at the clock time raced faster I didn’t know where to go what to do I cried. That was all I could do.

It was about 2 when he returned .He asked me “do you have any idea who you are?”I looked down .I was ashamed of causing trouble to this stranger.”Are u going to leave or should I call the cops?”He said. I walked of slowly without any idea where I would go. I stood there outside his gate .The wide road extended above me .I stood there in front of his house tears racing down my cheeks. I didn’t know whom to blame or what to do. It started raining I knew my tears were distinctly visible in rain. My brain is rotten it can’t decide where to go. The only person I know in this world does not know me. I tried to reason out I was not born out of nowhere I should belong somewhere. But I didn’t know where I don’t have a single penny. The place around me looked strange and different .I am not sure how many hours I stood there crying. But no one seemed to notice I wished someone called my parents would come searching for me and take me with them but no one came. It was dark it still rained I didn’t move because I was too tired to move.

I was too weak to move or to behold my tears .I screamed into darkness as rain poured down on me. I cried with no one to hear, no one to notice. I didn’t have strength even to cry, but grief was more powerful than my weakness. My tears dissolved in the rain. The sky was turning dark, fear embraced me. Blood curling shrieks of wild animals howling, and barking of dogs grew louder as the rain stopped. I clanged on the gate of his house when a stray dog came to me barking furiously. My fear knew no bounds. I didn’t mind dying but I was scared and confused. I didn’t know what to do the dog moved towards me. But someone threw a stone on that dog which ran away fast barking.

I turned to look at my savior he was a little boy of five totally drenched with torn and tattered clothes. He looked at me with curiosity. I looked at him such a fragile little boy. I learned from him that he escaped from a circus. Soon we were acquainted with each other .We were hungry but I was happy I was not lonely anymore .He seemed to understand me he believed me and loved me. I was not a scared weak girl anymore I told myself. I hugged the little boy holding him near me. I knew he is all I have plus I owe him my life

I don’t know when I slept. It was nearly dawn when I woke up but the boy was missing i searched for him he was nowhere .Tears engulfed my eyes as I realized I lost him. I sat there in front of the house too weak even to cry my eyesight was blurring .It was morning a few people on morning jog looked at me curiously .The guy from the house came out in his jogging clothes bewildered he asked “you didn’t leave”.

A few people were paying attention. He told me “come in”. He pulled me inside his house and asked “what do you want?”

“Why do you torture me “tears overflowed my eyes .I tried to speak but my voice choked, my breath was short .I cried for oxygen my lungs were aching, my vision started blurring again I collapsed into his hands.

When I regained my consciousness a nurse was by my side. I slowly got up I recognized that this was that guys room. I asked the nurse “how long was I unconscious?”

She smiled at me and replied “three days”. The guy walked in. The nurse moved out he looked at me and asked” at least now can you remember who you are?” .I looked down I mumbled “sorry”.

“So be ready to run away my friend will be here with lie detector. If you were lying girl I swear i will tear you up .do you get it”. He said .I stretched myself on his bed wondering to myself what life has in store for me .but I was happy at least he provided me a place to sleep. He is not bad after all.

By 3 pm a tall handsome guy came with few people they arranged a lot of wires and a machine .He was not cold as the guy he smiled at me and asked me to relax when I gave him a nervous glance. He fixed a lot of wires on my head “I am peter can we start” he asked I nodded.

“Who are you”? He asked .I answered “I don’t know”. He asked me a lot of questions and all my answers were “I don’t know”. It lasted for nearly an hour. Peter moved to the other guy and told him “whatever she told was true.”

The guy gave me an exasperated look “okay, I will help you find who you are”.’ first name her’ peter said “I don’t know is a perfect name for her”. “Please john “retorted peter .it was then i understood the guys name was john. At last they came up with a name for me i was named” torture”.

I stayed in his house .I realized he was a very rich and busy man. It was three days I am staying in his house .I didn’t want to be a burden I moved to his side during his breakfast “I want to work?”He looked at me annoyed he gave out a laugh “what do you know torture, you don’t know your own name.”He said.

I was taken aback but i know he was a good man. I moved away. He was not cold to me anymore. He treated me like a family but I never got to see the world outside. One day during dinner he told “torture, I never actually liked you I allowed you to stay because I didn’t want my parents to know that I have a girl crying in front of my house but now I feel that you should meet someone, the girl I am going to marry”. I felt a pain in my heart because I actually started loving him but I smiled “did u get any information on who I am”. He looked concerned “no “. He spoke at times about his business problems and I nodded .I found out he doesn’t have many friends.

At times he played his guitar. I listened. It was a Friday evening a cute tall girl came with him.”Clare “she said as she shakes my hand briefly. He seemed to love her i seemed like dying. They were very busy together i retired to my room .I was in tears. It was really a stupid feeling’s knew I didn’t deserve him but my heart spelled otherwise cried hard it was months since I cried.

About 10 pm at night Clare came to my room. She was the stupid witch who stole my john. But i smiled she was not actually bad. She said “i will not call you torture I will call you Alice it was the name of my little sister who died when she was ten. Your eyes remind me of her .it must be hard not to know who you are one fine day. John told me everything he really loves you a lot dear he changed a lot .Thanks for making him a better person”.

I hugged her and cried she was like a sister to me .She deserves him i told myself .it was harder, harder than I ever thought harder than not knowing your own name. Tears silently raced down my cheeks.

The very next day Clare took me to her house .Her parents were very nice to me .i felt more like a family. I envied her. Things were smooth until a fortnight when I overheard Clare’s conversation with her parents’ .They was not pleased to have me in their house. Clare argued I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. I ran off I walked in the dark in the pathless ways with tear filled eyes I didn’t know where I reached .I felt few footsteps behind me .It moved closer I turned to find few men and catcalls followed .I ran and ran I didn’t know where I reached somewhere dark. I have lost them for good. As I turned around I found myself in a dark forest. I swallowed hard. Fear gripped me. I am all alone once again.

I cried like a kid without anyone to pacify me. I cried until I was completely exhausted .I was not sure how long I was weeping .I didn’t know whom to blame I wept like an insane screaming with no one to hear. I was in a dark dense forest with large trees and intertwining creepers and few insects and animals for my company.

I knew I should survive but I didn’t know how, I didn’t have a reason to live. I thought about the little boy who saved me. I wished that he was with me but I knew it was impossible. I wandered aimlessly It was growing dark, the forest was becoming scarier every second, fear and agony embraced me as I felt something crawling on my leg. I was terrified to find it was a snake. I ran trembling like a leaf, shivering out of fear. I climbed a tree I was not sure how I did.

I sat there starving and thirsty. I told myself I am not going to cry anymore .As I lay clanging on a branch I wondered why my life is like this, what a horrible fate, my destiny .I knew no one would come searching for me. John never hated me but he will be glad to get rid of me. The very thought of him broke my resolution tears overflowed my eyes. I accepted the reality that I loved him but he didn’t.

I wandered aimlessly until I reached a cliff. I looked down it was very deep my heart skipped a beat. I swallowed I knew what I should do if I jump I end my life, put an end to the agony and suffering I am going through. I moved to very edge as my leg fell of the cliff I told God here I come to you. I can feel air gushing through my clothes. Its over I closed my eyes accepting death wholeheartedly.

Suddenly someone caught me pulled me embraced me. I stared at the person who pulled me back from death…..My heart skipped a beat…..”My John”…my John came for me he loved me .He came for me my heart fluttered with joy. He did something I never expected he hugged me. His tears brushed my shoulders. He kept on panting “why did you leave me I was worried “, he caressed me like a child. His eyes looked weary and deprived of sleep with dark circles underneath his dark blue eyes .I stood the transfixed unable to hold back my tears of joy. He told “come “.

I followed him silently .As we drove back to his house I asked him “how did you find me?”.He was angry but relieved “I knew you were lost I was searching for you. A little boy about five years old directed me to you. But then he went away.”I asked “was he in rags, does he has blue eyes?”.”Yes” he replied “do you know him?”.

“Yes” I replied “He was with me the night you kicked me out.”He looked at me with disbelief then cocked his head.

I ate as if I have never seen food. I gobbled almost everything on table. He looked at me with awe and a naughty grin. He is damn handsome when he smiles I thought to myself.”Clare “I asked

“We broke up “he told casually. I choked; he passed me a glass of water and smiled as he moved away. I can’t believe he is free for me .My heart jumped up and down in joy. My consciousness retorted he gave me a place to live I should be loyal. My heart asked my consciousness to shut up and I slept the most peaceful slumber I had in days.

Next day about noon a lot of people arrived, with their resemblance to John I guessed them to be his family. An elderly lady caught my hand with tear filled eyes “Oh my dear, John told me everything, how much suffering in this young age.”I don’t know why I cried. She hugged me with her feeble hands “don’t cry dear you now have a family we are your family even if you find your own family”.

“Mom is a bit emotional “said a good looking guy who was nearly of my age.”I am Sam “he said shaking my hand “John’s brother.”So you are that wonder woman, I imagined you to be good looking but you look stunning.””You are flattering “I replied blushing slightly. He nearly spends the whole time with me until John dragged him away.

The house was different the next day, cheerful, noisy and happy. Sam greeted me with a kiss on my cheek, making John glance enviously. Sam kept on chatting with me walking around with me. We weren’t just acquaintances we were good friends. I loved his presence, but John at times glanced at us with hatred.

It was Monday evening myself and Sam was strolling in the backyard .He hugged me during the conversation. It was then John pulled us apart and slapped me and asked me to go to my room. I hurried inside muffling my tears.

Evening John came to my room, I turned away from him. I said “we are just friends”. He said “Sam told me, I am sorry, I can’t bear seeing anyone with you”. He pulled me close slipped a ring to my hand kissing me.”I love U my torture”. I cried hugging him and kissing him .It was the most beautiful period of my life my John is not a heart and roses guy but he tried the best for me.

I loved him for sure, but there always something silent peculiar about him I noticed. Beneath his handsome face he had something hidden his love is genuine ,no girl could expect for a better guy than him. The guy who loved her and been with her but never touched her.

At times I can see the turmoil beneath his eyes; I can tell there was something else that bothered him rather than his business. I knew him better than myself; well indeed I don’t know anything about me. I am a pathetic creature. He is not an open man but he is a good man I knew.

Who am I.I still don’t have an answer for that question  but I have a family a boyfriend, but I felt insecure, I wanted to find who I am .I felt strong that I am not alone anymore I had my John who would be at my side good or bad .

It was a Tuesday afternoon; I was drinking coffee alone when John was in office. It was then I noticed something the pattern in the tea cup. I can remember things from my past. It came to me like flashes my past. I tried harder the harder I tried the weaker I turned then I collapsed.

When I woke up John was staring at me with concern.”John John” I cried with tears gushing due to happiness” I can remember “thing but he did not look distinctly happy. He smiled and asked “what is that you can remember dear?”I tried recollecting “A flash of light, two people and guy he is called Jacob, may be they are my parents they are giving me something they look serious. And I am called Hannah”. Something is wrong. I caught my head as it started aching.

“Take rest” he said as he moved away. His peculiar attitude disturbed me. “What’s wrong John”? I asked.”Nothing “he mumbled. I hate when guys try to cut me off. But I was too tired to be concerned about him. I dreamed about those kind faces the people who might have been my parents.

John was moody he gave me nod as he passed .It continued for several days until I stalked him .John what is wrong with you I asked “nothing ” he replied .I questioned him we quarreled with each other .I didn’t cry though my heart ached my John what’s wrong with him. I sat there with tear filled eyes. John came and sat near me and said “Sorry Hannah, I don’t want to lose you dear, I don’t want you to remember your past, what if you were married to someone else, I am scared that you will leave me. Tell me you won’t try to remember your past assure me”.”So this is what that disturbed you?”I asked.”I loved you always when I found you beside me on my bed when I threw you away, I tried hard to pull myself away from you but I loved you more”.

“I will never leave you John, I promise I will never try to remember my past “I said hugging him, but I am a good liar. I am not a perfect girl who keeps her promises, I remembered things but those things weren’t quite normal. John was cheerful since I didn’t inform him anything.

I wanted to leave I have to find out what my parents gave me I remember where I hid it .It was dangerous I sneaked out of my house I walked away with a last look at my John. I walked I should catch the train. I felt guilty for leaving him but I have things to be done. A car’s light blinded my vision I stared harder John…..I swallowed” get in we will go in flight rather than train “he said. I looked astonished, “I knew you were lying I knew you would get yourself into trouble”. He tossed my diary to me. “You may leave me but I will not “he said. “tears of happiness gushed out of my eyes.

My John is more than I ever bargained for. We boarded on the plane every girl seemed to notice him they gave him flirty looks .They glanced at me enviously .I gave then this good looking guy belongs to me, he is a private property look. John caught my hand and gave me I belong only to you look.

My memory was becoming clearer as we reached a large completely modern house. It was dusty and looks abandoned we broke in. I knew where I kept that box I opened it .It was a document an equation. “Holy crap, John we must leave I said pulling John away “.”What’s wrong dear “he asked. “we shouldn’t have come here “I cried .”we will leave ,dont cry calm down “he said .As we moved out a few people came they pulled John into a car and speed away.

I stood there unable to realize what happened. I should have listened to him in first place my inquisitiveness led me to this trouble. My poor John Oh my god, tears slipped my eyes I panicked. I have to be strong  I told myself .My phone vibrated I picked it up some one on the other end wants me to come somewhere they warned me if I call cops they will kill my John .I knew they were surveying my movements. I followed their directions and reached a narrow passage. I am not a courageous lady but I will go to any extend to save my dear John.

As I walked someone blinded me and directed me somewhere I can feel a gun pressed in my stomach. Fear gripped me hard, when the removed my blind fold I was tied next to John .I was relieved to see him. I shouted at the people around why are you doing this to us?.They replied “our boss will tell it to you himself and now be quiet lady”. I struggled but I was tied strong. “Sorry john “I whispered. He smiled “you should learn to obey me”.

I felt grateful for his love his patience .Their boss came my heart stopped as I had a glance of that person.”Peter “John exclaimed.”Yes John it’s me your best friend Peter”.”But why Peter “cried John. “Ask your girlfriend she knows “said Peter.”I know you remember things dear you are going to tell me where the virus is isolated then I will leave you both unharmed”.

John looked bewildered,”Hannah” he asked. I nodded. Peter continued “who won’t know your girlfriend the girl with highest IQ, the most brilliant student of her country, the only person under 20 to be the part of national secret agency of researchers of their country and the only person alive who know where the virus is isolated. I knew who she was when I found her in your house John but she didn’t remember anything she was useless .but I send my assistant to keep an eye on you.”Sammy”, I cried.

John was nearly heartbroken to find that his brother Sam is too a terrorist. I knew his pain .

Peter continued “A little bit of drugs made your brother help me.”John shrieked raging with fury “You bastard, you made my brother a drug addict”. Sam stood there unable to face his brother John his head hung low. Peter still continued “If you tell me where is the virus I can sell it to terrorists which they can use as a biological weapon, then I will be more rich than your multi millionaire boyfriend.

“I will tell you, promise me you will free John and leave Sammy alone “I said. “good girl “he said. he fixed his truth machine .I swallowed hard I can’t betray my country, the poor innocent people tears slipped my eyes .

Suddenly something happened Sammy pointed the gun at Peter and said “nothing is more important for me than my brother and best friend. I have called the cops”. I freed John and we were about to leave Peter pushed the gun away from Sammy .John dodged gave Peter a black eye .I looked with awe.”My brother is a boxer” Sam told. “You didn’t tell me “I said “you didn’t ask me sweetheart John exclaimed .I broke the head of the person who hit John with an iron. John looked at me with pride, the cops arrived but Peter shot me. I fell down; I can see my blood flowing away from me, shrieks and tears of my John. I was dying I was happy to die in his hands.

I woke up after two days in a hospital. John was wearing the same outfit he wore that day he hasn’t changed. He has an overgrown beard. He was relieved to see me tears of joy escaped his eyes. We spoke my stomach ached due wound created by bullet. He told me my parents are here. I told him “dear, I still don’t know how I reached your house”. He said “something’s are better unknown”.


My mom and thanked John a lot .My real name was Hannah. Our marriage was fixed On the marriage day morning I sit in front of the mirror checking my looks .The girl in the mirror looked exactly happy her life is perfect, she was satisfied, my mobile vibrated a email from John I hovered over my phone. A grin spreads over my face blushing slightly as I read his text.

As we came to the church everyone looked worried John’s family is nowhere to be seen. I found that John is sick. Fear gripped me “let him be alright, let him be alright I prayed “between my sobs .Tears dripped over my gown.

As we reached there I knew John was detected with lung cancer and it is final stage. He will be alive only for few days. I felt my heart stop I cried I wept almost everyone were pacifying but it was no good my John My life. John asked to see me I moved to his bed with a resolution as I paced forward I can feel my heart tearing apart. John looked at me with eyes filled with love and pain “sorry, my torture. I can’t marry you”. I said “what the hell don’t try to cheat me we are going to marry the next day you get discharged”. he asked “what if I die”. I told “you won’t I will kill you myself if you die”.

In the lawn I sat with my husband leaning on him .Mr. John and his wife Hannah John (that is me) is the happiest couple. “Grandma Tony broke my doll “cried lily. John fixed it for her, she ran back happily. My John’s hair is grey so is mine .I lean on my John, my gift from god. I looked at him intertwining our hands. He said “love you torture”.”I love you too” I replied. As I rest on his shoulders I wished to be with him forever. It was then I saw that little boy of five who saved me from the dog. I followed him. He came to me I hugged him. He asked me “why do you wish the same thing twice.”I asked him “how did you know? How come you never grew ?”.”I know because I was the person who made your wish come true, and I like one thing about you, you never blamed me .when the whole world blames me.  I never grew   because I wished not to grow up.” he disappeared leaving me transfixed. I have never met him after that day but I look forward to meet him.





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