Y do I live??

I sit here in darkness because I am scared of light.The light reveals the truth which  I least welcome,perhaps I hate.I am contented in my splendid ignorance,because reality hurts me more than any maladies.How long will I run,I should face it one fine day,why not today because I have nay courage.My tears always unanswered.

I turn suicidal,but I will never kill myself.My decisions have always been my folly,my love my foe.It was an utter stupidity to hear to my heart.When people tell me hear to your heart I am gonna kick them hard because that is why I suffer.I have lost my hope on goodness beyond the horizon.Darkness is now my friend,sorrow my ally…..happiness looks far unreachable.I have accommodated myself to this darkness of life.I knew I am turning weary.Unable to hold on…..my love and compassion backfired on me.

The fire in my heart succumbed to ashes I carry these ashes of past haunting my present,well do I have a present,drowning myself in fathoms of misfortune unable to breath I suffocate….I cry with no one to hear,my wounds are now scars but still it hurts…I know I am alone no prince charming or miracle to save me….but I feel weak….I am accompanied by my loneliness like an old friend…we walk together my shadow follows me one fine day it will to cease to follow…..but I will still walk,well do I have an other option because it was my choice….I suffer.

I was a fool who spurned my fortune for something more worthless.My kith and kin stares at me with hatred filled eyes.every syllable they utter pierces my heart like a dagger,driving me hysterical,my senses aloof my hands cold and numb.No one seems to understand my grief,the pain my heart is going through.My heart hurts it feels heavy but why doesnt it stop I wish it did.When people pester me with queries I dont have an answer other than tear filled eyes.I dont know why I still live.

 

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8 Comments Add yours

  1. Hi! I just read “Y do I live?” So profound, so moving. I hope and pray that you will not give up on hope. Some dear friends of mine hit depression so deep, they couldn’t even function. They felt alone. They withdrew from their responsibilities, from their friends and probably from their families even if they were in the house together. The two I know intimately crawled out, over time. So much better, even smiling now. They felt alone, they were not. They were never alone. It was a lie from the pit.

    Praying for you my friend. Thank you for liking my posts. You are blessing me.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. anaghamurali says:

      Yes it is true I was depressed.I always wear a fake smile so people around me think I am happy.To be true that is how I am taught to behave….to conceal my feeling …but it is really hard that is why I poured it out in this blog….or else it would have drove me mad…

      Like

  2. According to me, going through a depression is the most deadliest disease, but like most diseases, it does have a cure. Find peace within yourself, do what you wish to do and surround yourself with positivity and always remember, Time is the best healer for depression!
    I’ll pray that you sail smoothly through it! All the best! 😊

    Liked by 2 people

    1. anaghamurali says:

      Thanks for your advice …..I am trying my best….but it is not easy to forget certain things that comes back haunting me……I wish I can permanently delete it….perhaps god hasnt programmed our brain such a way

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Don’t worry, I too have gone through depression for years and somedays it still torments me , therefore I’m saying, time can only heal it… 😊
        You should stay tuned for my next blog post.. This comment is not intended to be promotional, but I genuinely feel it might help you!✌🏻

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Kally says:

    Thank you for following me and I love how creative you are and the wonderful posts. I’ll be back to read more of it!!

    Liked by 2 people

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